Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Robert's Birthday: An Excuse to List Embarrassing Anecdotes

As the mouthpiece for Team Fleurir, I have been presented with many opportunities to humiliate Robert. Interviews, blog posts, Facebook posts, tweets and talking to customers are all prime public outlets to tell embarrassing tales or let slip curious habits, but I always pass up the opportunity in favor of tact and grace. Well, in honor of Robert’s upcoming birthday, homeboy is turning 27 on September 1(say what?!?!), I have decided to break my vow of silence (also, I got Robert the best birthday present ever, so he can’t get too mad).

What to tell, what to tell. Hmmmmm...

Let’s just do this laundry list style, shall we? Perhaps, in escalating levels of embarrassment? Yes.

  1. You know that “Rhythm of Love” song by The Plain White T’s? Well, Robert likes to play it on loop in the car, in the kitchen, in the bathroom all the while singing right along. Here is a sampling of the lyrics: We may only have tonight; But ‘til the morning sun, you’re mine, all mine; Play the music low; and sway to the rhythm of love.
  2. Hugh Grant. When Robert and I first moved in together I came equipped with an enviably well-stocked library of DVDs (a good chunk of my nearly nonexistent 17-20 year old income went toward purchasing movies and earrings because I like to invest in my future, clearly). There was, what I thought at the time, a healthy sampling of Hugh Grant rom coms in the mix; little did I know that my amour for the bumbling Brit was to pale in comparison to the deep fondness Robert had for the man; he owned a copy of nearly every one of his films and two copies of “About a Boy,” just in cases. Granted (ha!), as Hugh ages and appears in fewer films, Robert has begun to view Ryan Reynolds as an acceptable substitute.
  3. To this day, Robert remains a rather trim gent, but, compared to his teenage, self he is downright Hulk-ish. At 15 years old, Robert was an impressive 6’ 3” yet weighed-in at a mere 135 pounds; understandably, Robert was desperate to gain weight (seeing as how he was on his high school hockey team, bulking up was more than a matter of mere vanity). Having little taste for lifting weights, protein shakes or roid rage, Robert decided to change his eating habits. For almost all of his sophomore year of high school, his after-school snack comprised of a dozen Krispy Creme donuts, a can of whipped cream, and a couple tall glasses of whole milk to wash it all down. He only gained 5 pounds.
  4. Around this same time, Robert decided that the best way to attract the ladies was with a gimmick and what tired cliche is more successful than the guy with the guitar who can really only kind of play one song (I never went for the guitar guy, I was more impressed by the piano)? Rather than take the time to learn how to play even one song with barely passable proficiency, Robert’s guitar was simply for show. Whenever a lady asked him to play for her he would make up some nonsense about it taking forever to tune and this that and the other thing and hey want to watch a movie?
  5. Between the two of us, Robert and I have an embarrassing amount of stuff. So much stuff that our basement is filled with items we can’t find the space for in our house (granted, our house is uber tiny/cozy, so we don’t really have a whole lot of room to work with in the first place), but even if we lived in a fancy pants mansion with ample room to display our (short) lives’ collection of curios I would still not unpack one dusty suitcase filled to the brim with Marvel comics collectors cards. These little treasures were collected while Robert was in elementary school, yet, to this day, he refuses to part with them because he “has the entire set of 1990-93 plus all of the holograms.” Duh.
  6. Finally, a new source of embarrassment has started to plague Robert since opening the shop only a few months ago- grey hairs. Four months ago, his beautiful mane of dark, silky locks was salt and pepper free, but the stresses of the shop have seeped into his scalp and pushed out multiple, no, numerous, no, LEGIONS! of silver strands. You can, of course, help to alleviate this source of shame by coming into the shop and buying loads and loads of delicious chocolatey goodness (like what I did there?).

I could go on for days, but I don’t want to outweigh the awesomeness of my gift for him with the not so awesomeness of these private revelations and consequently tumble into murky waters of possible retaliation; therefore, I shall end here.


My awesome gift to Robert is a long weekend at the beach in Charleston with a couple of his old college buddies; thus, over Labor Day weekend Robert’s parents will be manning the shop, so come in and say hi- who knows, they may have some embarrassing stories of their own to share!

1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious!
    p.s. Chris has gray hairs now too. I also have a feeling he tried crazy tactics to gain weight for all his teens and early 20's. He has let up on that though as time has caught up with him :)